I am an awesome parent.
Of course, some days I end up putting the remote in the toaster or feeding my child rice crispies for dinner, but it’s never out of malign intent.
And it’s not like it happens every day. Between homework, music, drama, swimming and gymnastics practice I am mostly able to throw in the odd cleaning spree (unless I couldn’t be bothered), and manage to keep on top of the washing (unless it rains). I even get the car serviced (every three years) and bills paid (usually late).
But my kid loves me, and she goes to school most days with her hair brushed (even if it’s just with my fingers), uniform pressed (even if it’s just overnight under the mattress) and teeth cleaned (except when we don’t have time, but that’s fine – being a good parent, I give her some gum to chew so her breath doesn’t stink).
I ran out of rice crispies today but couldn’t quite get to the shops until after lunch because my shoes had disappeared. I went barefoot after finding one of them in the washing machine full of water and two sizes smaller. I eventually located the keys in the freezer, nestled between a whole pineapple and a printer cartridge. Where my mobile is now I couldn’t exactly tell you, but I can hear its muffled Game of Thrones ringtone somewhere outside.
Vaguely concerned I may have let wild bears into my daughter’s bedroom or something, I asked her if she was okay.
“Are you kidding?” she said. “I got to play Minecraft and eat peanut-butter-and-chip sandwiches all day.”
Told you I’m an awesome parent.