My ex used to say – probably more often than he should have – “There’s a reason your finger is exactly the same size as your nostril.”
That’s the sort of exes I’ve had. Now, I know that says a lot about me, but before you judge, bear in mind that they are exes for a reason. Or several reasons, in the nose-picker’s case.
Most of my relationships have been kept alive by copious amounts of vodka and optimism. But that’s not a bad thing – some of my best relationships only got off the ground by ignoring the alarm bells. And I’m sure the exes would agree.
I always know when it’s not right after my first clumsy episode. This usually happens about two days into the relationship.
My shortest relationship ended when, after I’d fallen down a flight of stairs, he stood at the top filming me, laughing hysterically. The next ended when I slid down a hill and broke my leg. He was so busy laughing that I had to lie there until a passerby assisted me up.
And now I find myself with someone who has the right amount of sympathy in his eyes as he scrapes me off, pulls me out, or helps me up. Of course, I do hear his muffled laughter in the bathroom afterward, but hey, he’s only human.