I live in rural Victoria with a small mini-me, long-suffering husband and two narcissitic, psychotic cats.
You know those moments when you’re a kid and your Mum tells you not to stick a fork in the toaster, so you stick in a knife instead, and the next thing you remember is the floor being nice and cool but smelling vaguely of sizzling hair? Yeah, those moments. NOTE: Don’t stick … More Oh, you mean any metal object?
When my elderly neighbour, Walt, went to visit his daughter for a few weeks, I volunteered to look after his garden. After a lengthy conversation and several panicked glances over to my yard, he stopped arguing, nodded wearily and pointed out where he kept the bug spray, hoe and sprinklers. The first week sailed by. I … More A little accident in the garden
At the age of eight, I watched Jaws through the crack in the bedroom door. Next morning when Mum asked how I slept, I asked for coffee…and thus began my addiction to caffeine and – although not sure it’s related – my insomnia. For the next few months, bath time required there to be within … More The thought crosses my mind that my problem-solving skills could be better
My daughter has a bird named “Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds”. He doesn’t quite live up to his name but he can be, shall we say – feisty? Problem is, to enter Molly’s room one has to pass right by his home. It’s wise to take treats. “Hello Destroyer, how are you today, my sweet little … More Pets. The question is why?
You know those moments when you’re talking to someone with several lengthy hairs growing out of a mole on his chin, and you can’t concentrate on anything else? And he clocks you looking, and you know he has but there’s nothing in the world but you and his chin? And then, when you try to … More Don’t look. Whatever you do, don’t look
My daughter told me yesterday that she loves udders. I was vaguely alarmed, but okay, she’s a little like her dad in that she chooses to love unexpected and often unpopular things. So I decided to just go with it. “So what makes you love them?” “They’re adorable. And the way they nurture the little … More I may have a few issues I need to sweep further under the carpet
You know those moments when you’re wearing new shoes that don’t quite have enough grip for the loose gravel your walking on, and you slip and fall on your bum and spill your drink all over yourself? Then you look around and realise no one saw it which is too good to be true, so … More New shoes, green shoes, blue shoes, two shoes – whatever – you just better get a grip
Why isn’t there a help column for people like me? With topics like: Gardening tips for the pale-skinned arachnophobe. How to parent without endangering your child, husband, neighbours or other community members. What to do when a spider is on your ceiling (alternative title: Why hitting your husband’s head with a shoe and setting fire … More Life hacks for the socially deficient
You know those moments when your friend asks you to dress up for her kid’s party, and she says, “Come as your favourite De Niro”, so you spend hours finding the right mohawk wig and give yourself a black eye with some freaky makeup, then arrive stating “Ta da! Taxi Driver!” And when, after a … More A little over-enthusiasm never hurt anyone. Humiliate, but not hurt.
Interior decorating. Well, why not? I’m not bad at creative stuff, so why not give it a bash? I’m always finding new things to do. The snot-green wall was replaced with a snot-green wall with a picture on it, and a vase of flowers was placed on the mantle. Next, some cushions. I like blue, … More A riot of colour…or something…
