Kids are great for your self-esteem. What Mum isn’t chuffed when their daughter tells them they look like a butterfly? “Aw, thanks honey,” said I, slightly blushing. “Yeah,” she said. “Your arms are all droopy – just like butterfly wings. Weeee! Flap, flap, flap!” I smiled tightly and patted her on the head. “Yes, Mummy is a … More Kids are so…
I don’t see dead people. I see faces. Not in a creepy way, just in that way that when you’re walking along and say, “Hey, that looks like a face.” Know what I mean? So I’m going to post some of them. My rules are these: It can’t be staged Actually, that’s it. No other … More Faces…. Staring at me.
My ex used to say – probably more often than he should have – “There’s a reason your finger is exactly the same size as your nostril.” That’s the sort of exes I’ve had. Now, I know that says a lot about me, but before you judge, bear in mind that they are exes for … More Ex-tinguish
“Is it my fault the chickens ate my homework?” “It is when you smear it with honey and seed and leave it in the chicken coop.” “I had to. I hate algebra.” “You think the chickens don’t?” “I saw Bock-Bock scratching triangles in the dirt. I just put two and two together.” “Did you … More Counting chickens
I went to the park today. A young couple were watching their son on the swing, and having what looked like an interesting conversation, so of course, I eavesdropped. “That’s a tree?” the man said. “Yeah it’s a tree,” she said. “No way. I mean, what the fuck?” “I think they’re aerial roots.” “Meaning it … More Tree-mendous
Trying to explain to the cops that I wasn’t drunk wasn’t easy, given I was wearing a plastic garbage bag, one heel, and a feather boa. I was, admittedly, holding a tumbler of vodka and apple juice, but it wasn’t mine, officer – honest. The kindly officers were about to drive me home when my then-boyfriend … More I’m not drunk! Well, maybe a little
I was told about an amazing guy who runs a guided meditation session in the hall each Friday, and already has a string of (mostly female) followers. Suddenly, all my friends are wearing baggy pants and amber beads and saying things like, “So deep. So truly profound,” and staring pensively at the clouds passing over … More Guru Games
Obviously my IQ isn’t high enough to assemble my new bed frame. In fact, both my husband’s and mine together aren’t enough, nor with the neighbour’s included. Admittedly, it’s a frame from a designer shop, and I have no mechanical ingenuity, but still. After an hour of struggling, I said, “Maybe we should really read the manual.” … More Easy-to-assemble?
“Why has no one invented a coffee dispenser that can read your mind, start making the coffee, and deliver it to the bedside table even before you open your eyes?” I whined. “That’s what I’m for,” said my husband. “No you’re not, silly. You’re not just a coffee dispenser.” I smiled. He returned it and … More Decaf mornings
I’d been looking for matching socks that the dryer hadn’t eaten, when I ventured under my daughter’s bed. Big. Mistake. Reaching into the darkness, I placed my hand on something that sent shivers racing down my spine. I withdrew as if I’d been bitten. I went in again and pulled it forth into the light. It was furry. Green-grey. Powdery … More It smells like cheese