Canteen ladies, eggplant and an unfortunate accident with some rockets

I volunteered for canteen duties at the primary school, thinking some brownie points wouldn’t go astray after the last episode with the principal. I was imagining canteen ladies like when I was at school – big smiles, flappy arms and floral dresses. I wasn’t prepared for heavy make-up, impeccable dress senses and an intolerance for … More Canteen ladies, eggplant and an unfortunate accident with some rockets

When things look like other things but you shouldn’t say it in case you get chased with a pitchfork

Fighting my way past tour groups of over-perfumed seniors on my way to the gallery canteen, I spied an artwork that left an indelible mark on my poor uncultured brain. A small group was clustered around an oversize painting, so I hazarded a glance. A single streak of brown, three drops of red and a … More When things look like other things but you shouldn’t say it in case you get chased with a pitchfork

The Station

I had to go into the police station to collect a set of keys I’d lost. Easy, right? Wrong. I entered the monolith full of law-enforcing scary people and was ordered to sit by the eyebrow behind the desk. I did as I was told, determined not to do the verbal-diarrhoea thing, the tripping over thing or … More The Station

Sucker punch

I was invited to a school fete. Inside me said, no way, you’re not going to that – it’s all finger-painted ice-cream sticks and mothers racking up brownie points from the principal. But outside me smiled politely and said, sure, I’d love to support the local school. Even if the kids do smell like home-made … More Sucker punch

Ping Pong

“Hey, you wanna play ping-pong?” Hmm…feign enthusiasm or just say, no thanks and be on my way? Stupid question. I mean she’s only eight. How much of a challenge can it be? “Sure. Sounds like fun.” But just in case: “I haven’t played in years. And I hurt my playing arm yesterday doing important grown up … More Ping Pong

Life decisions

I was offered two jobs. I liked them equally, so how to pick? Flip a coin? Draw from a hat? “How about you list the pros and cons?” suggested my friend. Job One Pros Cons Good pay No lolly jar Close to home   Good hours   Nice people   Job Two Pros Cons Lolly … More Life decisions

Nature. So…

Everyone knows not to walk between trees in Australia. Or under them. Or anywhere near them before dawn. Or after dawn if we’re being honest. It was a beautiful night, a sliver of moon nestled in the infinite stars above. I was looking up at this glorious view on my way to check the mailbox … More Nature. So…

Fair warning

On the first date with my husband, I spilled water on his trousers. On the second, it was coffee on the hand. There followed a pretzel in the eye (don’t ask), dog puke in his lap (really don’t ask), and a home cooked meal that was more like over-salted charcoal (the usual, I’m afraid). And … More Fair warning

The Principal

The “see how she’s settling in” interview with my daughter’s principal was due. Wanting to make a good impression, I wore a dress – something I don’t do normally. I also added makeup and heels. The professional look, you know. “Please don’t, Mum. You know how you are in heels. And that makeup makes you look funny.” … More The Principal