The “see how she’s settling in” interview with my daughter’s principal was due. Wanting to make a good impression, I wore a dress – something I don’t do normally. I also added makeup and heels. The professional look, you know. “Please don’t, Mum. You know how you are in heels. And that makeup makes you look funny.” … More The Principal
Jigsaw puzzles. The invention of demons from the ninth dimension of hell… After several hours staring at about 736 plain blue pieces and trying to connect them in some order, I decided it was time for the scissors. “Mum, you can’t do that.” “Why not?” “Because then the picture won’t fit together. And it’s cheating. … More Puzzle (not) fun
What sadist invented musical chairs? You prance around an ever-diminishing set of chairs in the hope no one accuses you of ‘crowding’, sees your dance moves, or pushes you headlong into another participant. And in the end, everyone resents the winner, and the players win a crappy plastic bracelet each. What kind of game is that? … More Musical chairs
A normal day – I’d groaned and rolled out of bed later than I should, scraped the cat hair out of my mouth, and was greeted by my eleven-year-old wearing T-Rex slippers and chocolate smears on her lips. “Been up a while?” I asked her. “Nope. Just got out of bed.” “So the chocolate is … More Revenge on the cowardly
Kids are great for your self-esteem. What Mum isn’t chuffed when their daughter tells them they look like a butterfly? “Aw, thanks honey,” said I, slightly blushing. “Yeah,” she said. “Your arms are all droopy – just like butterfly wings. Weeee! Flap, flap, flap!” I smiled tightly and patted her on the head. “Yes, Mummy is a … More Kids are so…
I don’t see dead people. I see faces. Not in a creepy way, just in that way that when you’re walking along and say, “Hey, that looks like a face.” Know what I mean? So I’m going to post some of them. My rules are these: It can’t be staged Actually, that’s it. No other … More Faces…. Staring at me.
“Is it my fault the chickens ate my homework?” “It is when you smear it with honey and seed and leave it in the chicken coop.” “I had to. I hate algebra.” “You think the chickens don’t?” “I saw Bock-Bock scratching triangles in the dirt. I just put two and two together.” “Did you … More Counting chickens
Obviously my IQ isn’t high enough to assemble my new bed frame. In fact, both my husband’s and mine together aren’t enough, nor with the neighbour’s included. Admittedly, it’s a frame from a designer shop, and I have no mechanical ingenuity, but still. After an hour of struggling, I said, “Maybe we should really read the manual.” … More Easy-to-assemble?
“Why has no one invented a coffee dispenser that can read your mind, start making the coffee, and deliver it to the bedside table even before you open your eyes?” I whined. “That’s what I’m for,” said my husband. “No you’re not, silly. You’re not just a coffee dispenser.” I smiled. He returned it and … More Decaf mornings
I’d been looking for matching socks that the dryer hadn’t eaten, when I ventured under my daughter’s bed. Big. Mistake. Reaching into the darkness, I placed my hand on something that sent shivers racing down my spine. I withdrew as if I’d been bitten. I went in again and pulled it forth into the light. It was furry. Green-grey. Powdery … More It smells like cheese