Last night I dreamed I had the eyes of a goat – horizontal stripes, bright yellow orbs, stubby eyelashes and all. The rest of me was me, but the eyes were just plain weird. What was the message behind the dream – that I should do something about my facial hair before I grow a … More Message to the goat lady
When I was little, I wanted to be a spy. Scratch that – I was a spy. I can’t count the times I saved the world with an accurately timed commando roll or took down bad guys with just a pencil, a blob of glue and some cat hair. I wrote my homework in lemon juice in … More Spies never grow up
Everyone knows not to walk between trees in Australia. Or under them. Or anywhere near them before dawn. Or after dawn if we’re being honest. It was a beautiful night, a sliver of moon nestled in the infinite stars above. I was looking up at this glorious view on my way to check the mailbox … More Nature. So…
On the first date with my husband, I spilled water on his trousers. On the second, it was coffee on the hand. There followed a pretzel in the eye (don’t ask), dog puke in his lap (really don’t ask), and a home cooked meal that was more like over-salted charcoal (the usual, I’m afraid). And … More Fair warning
The “see how she’s settling in” interview with my daughter’s principal was due. Wanting to make a good impression, I wore a dress – something I don’t do normally. I also added makeup and heels. The professional look, you know. “Please don’t, Mum. You know how you are in heels. And that makeup makes you look funny.” … More The Principal
At the sound of my recycling being topped up, my neighbour – walking past with her chihuahua – gave me a malevolent stare, her mouth shaped like a cat bum while she looked down her rather ogre-ish nose at me. “Heh, heh,” I said before scuttling inside to hide behind the curtain until she disappeared. … More Neighbours…Am I Right?
I have realised I’m not the world’s most suave, sophisticated or even stylish person. I think of myself that way, but when your best dance move is The Sprinkler, you’re only kidding yourself. I was at a party recently when the music stopped abruptly, and I was caught mid-dance-move. In my mind, I thought I … More Being me… Not as uncool as I thought
Me: It’s 11pm. Could you be a bit quieter please? Brain: No way, we need to think about all the stuff that might happen in the next week. Me: We can plan a bit, but it’s really important that we get some sleep. Brain: Yeah, sure. But what if you lose your job tomorrow? Me: … More Conversation between me and my brain
Kids are great for your self-esteem. What Mum isn’t chuffed when their daughter tells them they look like a butterfly? “Aw, thanks honey,” said I, slightly blushing. “Yeah,” she said. “Your arms are all droopy – just like butterfly wings. Weeee! Flap, flap, flap!” I smiled tightly and patted her on the head. “Yes, Mummy is a … More Kids are so…
My ex used to say – probably more often than he should have – “There’s a reason your finger is exactly the same size as your nostril.” That’s the sort of exes I’ve had. Now, I know that says a lot about me, but before you judge, bear in mind that they are exes for … More Ex-tinguish
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