“Is it my fault the chickens ate my homework?” “It is when you smear it with honey and seed and leave it in the chicken coop.” “I had to. I hate algebra.” “You think the chickens don’t?” “I saw Bock-Bock scratching triangles in the dirt. I just put two and two together.” “Did you … More Counting chickens
I went to the park today. A young couple were watching their son on the swing, and having what looked like an interesting conversation, so of course, I eavesdropped. “That’s a tree?” the man said. “Yeah it’s a tree,” she said. “No way. I mean, what the fuck?” “I think they’re aerial roots.” “Meaning it … More Tree-mendous
Trying to explain to the cops that I wasn’t drunk wasn’t easy, given I was wearing a plastic garbage bag, one heel, and a feather boa. I was, admittedly, holding a tumbler of vodka and apple juice, but it wasn’t mine, officer – honest. The kindly officers were about to drive me home when my then-boyfriend … More I’m not drunk! Well, maybe a little
I was told about an amazing guy who runs a guided meditation session in the hall each Friday, and already has a string of (mostly female) followers. Suddenly, all my friends are wearing baggy pants and amber beads and saying things like, “So deep. So truly profound,” and staring pensively at the clouds passing over … More Guru Games
Obviously my IQ isn’t high enough to assemble my new bed frame. In fact, both my husband’s and mine together aren’t enough, nor with the neighbour’s included. Admittedly, it’s a frame from a designer shop, and I have no mechanical ingenuity, but still. After an hour of struggling, I said, “Maybe we should really read the manual.” … More Easy-to-assemble?
“Why has no one invented a coffee dispenser that can read your mind, start making the coffee, and deliver it to the bedside table even before you open your eyes?” I whined. “That’s what I’m for,” said my husband. “No you’re not, silly. You’re not just a coffee dispenser.” I smiled. He returned it and … More Decaf mornings
People say it’s healthy and fun to be outdoors. WRONG. The last time I went on a dedicated outdoors excursion, was long before I was married. I went because a friend begged me to come, and there happened to be a gorgeous gentleman also attending. NOT because I thought, “oh yeah, hey, let’s go traipsing off … More Avoiding the outdoors…at least in heels
It was a normal Saturday. I had scrubbed the cat vomit off the step, hand-washed the dog blanket (covering me in fur in the process), bathed the guinea pigs and re-potted the dying herbs (like that was going to save them). I was, of course, filthy and smelled like wet dog. While I scoffed a chocolate bar … More Ex-terminate