When my elderly neighbour, Walt, went to visit his daughter for a few weeks, I volunteered to look after his garden. After a lengthy conversation and several panicked glances over to my yard, he stopped arguing, nodded wearily and pointed out where he kept the bug spray, hoe and sprinklers. The first week sailed by. I … More A little accident in the garden
At the sound of my recycling being topped up, my neighbour – walking past with her chihuahua – gave me a malevolent stare, her mouth shaped like a cat bum while she looked down her rather ogre-ish nose at me. “Heh, heh,” I said before scuttling inside to hide behind the curtain until she disappeared. … More Neighbours…Am I Right?
After going outside this morning to discover I had killed yet another plant, my mood had taken a nose-dive. I’d stared at the pot’s browning, leafless contents and decided that I needed chocolate. Three Tim Tams and a Caramel Koala later, the pot still haunted me and my guilty, inadequate conscience decided that immediate retail … More Conversation in a shoe store
A normal day – I’d groaned and rolled out of bed later than I should, scraped the cat hair out of my mouth, and was greeted by my eleven-year-old wearing T-Rex slippers and chocolate smears on her lips. “Been up a while?” I asked her. “Nope. Just got out of bed.” “So the chocolate is … More Revenge on the cowardly
I went to the park today. A young couple were watching their son on the swing, and having what looked like an interesting conversation, so of course, I eavesdropped. “That’s a tree?” the man said. “Yeah it’s a tree,” she said. “No way. I mean, what the fuck?” “I think they’re aerial roots.” “Meaning it … More Tree-mendous
Trying to explain to the cops that I wasn’t drunk wasn’t easy, given I was wearing a plastic garbage bag, one heel, and a feather boa. I was, admittedly, holding a tumbler of vodka and apple juice, but it wasn’t mine, officer – honest. The kindly officers were about to drive me home when my then-boyfriend … More I’m not drunk! Well, maybe a little
Obviously my IQ isn’t high enough to assemble my new bed frame. In fact, both my husband’s and mine together aren’t enough, nor with the neighbour’s included. Admittedly, it’s a frame from a designer shop, and I have no mechanical ingenuity, but still. After an hour of struggling, I said, “Maybe we should really read the manual.” … More Easy-to-assemble?
“Why has no one invented a coffee dispenser that can read your mind, start making the coffee, and deliver it to the bedside table even before you open your eyes?” I whined. “That’s what I’m for,” said my husband. “No you’re not, silly. You’re not just a coffee dispenser.” I smiled. He returned it and … More Decaf mornings